carmensilvestro19
Jan 11, 20235 min
We all know that divorce can be excruciatingly painful, but what about our first breakup after divorce? I have been hearing more people reporting that the pain from this can sometimes feel even more devastating than the divorce itself...
Because much like many of these women, I did not process my divorce. Sure, I finally got up from my pathetic pool of tears, determined to get through it, I went to the gym, went to work, went out on a gazillion dates, and so on… But I did not give myself the much-needed space I needed to truly feel everything... to go through all the stages of grief. So, when my relationship with this gentleman ended, the floodgates opened. And I was consumed with grief, guilt, and everything else I had not reconciled from my previous marriage.
I see this so often. People getting into serious relationships rather quickly without really healing from their divorce, without soul-searching, processing or reflecting on mistakes. They call these relationships: rebound relationships.
And many times people do this out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of never loving again. Other times, much like my story, this is about escaping. You don’t want to feel. You don’t want to face the pain that your divorce has left with, or you just want to fill the void you feel from no longer having your partner.
Some jump into new relationships to feel desirable again. Their divorce left them with their self-esteem in the gutter, so they are looking to feel good about themselves. Having someone fawning over you, while you are in this state, can surely feel like it might do the trick.
There are several reasons why many people jump into a new relationship too quickly. But there are a couple of problems with this:
#1- Your emotions are not settled. Your mind is all over the place, which makes you vulnerable. When you are in a vulnerable state of mind, you can’t see the red flags very easily... or, you are quick to dismiss things that you know are not good for you in the long run.
For others, being in this state of mind brings out feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or paranoia which ultimately breaks the relationship. And finally, when you are in this state of unsettledness, finding someone you are very attracted to, may cause you to confuse sex with love.
#2 If you get into a new relationship without healing first, you will be carrying all of the baggage, and pent-up emotions from your past inside of you. And you will move them onto your new relationship. (We all know emotions don’t just go away, they need to be processed.) And when the new relationship ends, all the negative emotions, anger, rage, sadness, resentment, etc. come up to the surface in full force. It is like shaking a soda bottle and opening it. What happens? It explodes! So you feel absolutely devastated and consumed with grief.
I should mention- This is not always the case, of course. There are always exceptions to the rule. If you left a marriage that was already dead, where the love was gone for many years and you were ok, and you both made peace with this, there is a chance you can get back into dating. But I still would not recommend it just yet. I will always say to take some time to be with just you. The new, single you. Date yourself for a bit. Get to know yourself on a different level. Because oftentimes, people don’t realize how much of themselves they put away in their marriage or how much of themselves they never got to know at all.
So, to summarize, I would say the reason a breakup after divorce can feel like it’s more painful than your divorce, is not so much about the new person, but it’s because you are grieving the divorce in this breakup. You maybe reliving the end of your marriage all over again, or maybe even for the first time.
If you are still not sure, just think about it- did you take time to yourself? did you take the time & space you needed to self-reflect and introspect? Do you feel like you went through the grieving process and healed? If you didn’t, there is your answer.
So, if you are going through this heartbreak now, go back & take a look at what’s going on inside you. Write out your feelings out in a journal. Identify your emotions and go through them. You may still need to go through acceptance or forgiveness. Whatever the loose end is, please get back to it. Work through this because the last thing you want to do is to settle, get married again -to the wrong person... or, end up divorced again.
2nd marriage divorce rates are so much higher than 1st for this reason! So it’s really important to grieve the loss. And remember, there is no rush... Take as much time as you need...
And If you find that this is in fact the road you took, it's ok… It happens... Forgive yourself.
You were vulnerable and scared. We have all been there at some point. Divorce can leave us feeling broken or unworthy, and sometimes people will do things and make poor choices that are not the best for us because we just want to alleviate this pain. But you are not broken or unworthy. On the contrary. You are a whole, wonderful human being all on your own. It’s time for you to finally see this.